Bright Eyes

Day: August 28/11

Eating: not hungry

Listening To: Mirrors by Natalia Kills

Mood: asdfghjkl ~

I can't believe I forgot about this place....sad, so very sad....

It's really been forever to be honest, and what's worse is that summer is coming to an end. Thursday I gotta go for half the day to school to pick up my schedule, get my locker and stuff like that. Being a freshman sounds terrifying, but my friends aren't giving up and are doing their very best. I however don't want to go. At all. At least I'll have Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday until school officially starts on Tuesday.

It's not that I don't want to study, I just don't wanna see everyone again. Most of the people going to my high school are people I don't talk to or I just don't miss or don't wanna talk to anymore. Cruel, I know. But that's how I feel. You can't exactly blame me cause to be honest I hang out with some of the biggest jerks ever.

Thinking back to grade 8 makes me feel weird. I can't believe I knew even half of those people because I hardly ever talked to them. I don't really miss anyone, although I know people miss me. Love how things work out eh? I lost a number of my friends, one due to a 'relationship' he wanted himself. I got sick and ended up missing my graduation trip and now the scars are still left on my body. Life is weird, how one moment everything goes well and then it just crashes down on you.

I regret nothing though. I don't regret not going on that trip, or that I lost my closest guy friend because he was such a jerk. No. None of that.

I fell in love. At least i think it's love...

Even though it's a guy who's living in another country and I've only talked to on MSN something about him makes me feel real, like I don't have to hide. I want to tell some of my friends on Thursday that I'm pulling out, that my heart is already taken even though I'm technically still single. We've already had a small misunderstanding and I hurt him but somehow he still holds on to me. He doesn't want to let me go. He is so sweet and always asking me how I'm doing, hardly ever talking about himself because he wants to know how I'm doing. It might be selfish or wrong but I'm scared sometimes, that what we have will be screwed up. I'm scared about the future, scared of being serious, but like some of my older friends say I'm still just a child, a babe, they even call me.

I want things to work out. Reading back on my previous posts makes me remember how things were, how much I was hurting and how I'd gone through all those ups and downs. It was hard to believe in anyone, and now I've learned to stand on my own. It's not a bad thing, this independence, but now, since I had met Nate, things have somehow changed. Maybe it's because I know that no matter where I go someone will always be thinking about me, even if he is out of my reach. I don't want to hurt him anymore, and I just hope that things will work out.

When school starts, everything will change. I'm not the same foolish girl that clung on to desperate dreams some half a year ago. I'm different. Whether in a good way or a bad way is for people who know me to decide. But now I need to hold on to the few remaining days of summer. Because tomorrow Nate comes back to L.A from N.Y and I'll be able to talk to him again. He always makes me feel better. But it makes me sad, wondering how long all of this will last.

~M

Cutsey Bunny: Nom-Nom

Day: April 11/11

Eating: drinking some Ginger Ale
Listening To: Paparazzi by Lady GaGa
Mood: fuzzy, but if you touch I just might bite your hand off

April...how fast time flies...Already only 2 and a half months of school left. Luckily my fellow doll friends are already on their summer holidays, on well deserved breaks. Wish I could say the same for myself...

School has been very draining, and too unpredictable for my taste.
my friends seem to dwindle around the idea that one of my fellow classmates has a crush on me, and even my Formspring page has showed a question that has been sent to me three times. Their little 'theory' has frankly been rather unrealistic and unsupported, as well as tiresome and getting to becoming annoying. He doesn't like me, wish we could all put a cross on that and more on. But no, they believe so much that he'll come around or even confess. My heads all spinning...

My ex has toned the following around down (yaay!) which has given me more room to breath, finally. My hobo friend is around me though and I have someone reliable to talk and spend time with. My other friends...some I'm still close to, others I'm drifting away from, one girl I'm talking to a lot more now than I used to.
School's annoying however, mainly the homework and classes. Our class is absolutely horrifying during Ukrainian and French (tehehe at the Ukrainian...) and some people just don't know when to stop (hint hint). Our teacher keeps kicking some people out and warning others but nothing seems to be working.

But summer's fast approaching, the weather is getting warmed, but birthday is also coming in just a little over a month, and then it's out *hopefully still not cancelled* Quebec trip and graduation. Time flies fast...

When you concentrate on some things you forget about the importance of others. People, things, places, thoughts, all are dug deep inside of you and sometimes no matter what you're not able to bring them back.
I wonder if I could set things right with a few people, how would things have turned out? If one person could see me in a different way, how would he see me? Am I a cuddly bunny to him that'll just nom his hand off if he pisses me off?

Oceanlit Sonata

Day: February 28/11
Eating: nothing - not hungry
Listening To: Fu**ing Perfect by Pink
Mood: screw off all of you scared cowards, I'm just this awesome!

People people people...You just really just can't leave a girl alone now can you? Only my second day on Formspring and I already get a message that says 'Fix your zits'. Please be accurate. It's acne scars. You're killing the language here, at least be accurate with what you say. Geez. The world is suffering cause you can't properly express your thoughts. LMFAO.

Sorry for that really weird intro, but that's the way I felt like starting off. It sucks that people can't keep their opinions to themselves sometimes.
Anyways, on a better note, school is fine overall. People who dislike me keep their opinions to themselves. I'm not being crushed by people and their stupid little thoughts which really don't matter. Although on a little worse note, I'm slipping with homework. GOTTA CATCH UP! But I'm too lazy....Waah. I'm such a lazy ass lately, not even joking.

On another note, there's this one guy who keeps getting into a close friendship zone and things are getting pretty darn awkward. Today one of my friends pushed me and him together and he ended up hurting me badly with his jaw. Now a small part of my upper lip is swollen cause I cut myself with the braces from the impact. Talk about 'Ow moment'. I don't agree with my friends on the idea that he likes me and is planning to ask me out. It would just be pretty weird and that's really like the last thing I want.

It's already March tomorrow. Can't believe it. Feels like just yesterday was the first day of 2011 and now it's already March. It doesn't even feel like 2011, more like an extension of 2010. I kinda wish it was though, because 2010 was one amazing year that I can't complain about. Sure there were ups and downs but it was one interesting year. And I miss some of the moments, even if I can't get them back.

I don't really even know what to say. Gosh, before I felt like there was so much to say and now I'm struggling to think with ideas. There probably isn't anything else I can add. In brief though, a guy is trying to pick me up, I have friends I can rely on for the time, I'm starting to look at my little crush more as a friend than as a romantic kind of way, homework kills, bitches are still lurking, and life's beautiful. So if you like my zits or not I don't give two shits about that - they complete me, and I'm beautiful on the inside, at least I don't rot inside. Phew, this is just awesome to say. I feel so freakin energized that I probably won't be able to sleep now.

You mess with me, you go down. I don't joke. I might not be physically strong but watch it, that gives you no reasons to mess with meh. Capish? Capish.

And now I must go off and sleep, prepare for another long day.

~M

Sakura Kiss

Day: January 16/11

Eating: nothing

Listening To: Mine, Yours by Luka Megurine (Vocaloid)

Mood: meh...piggyback, piggyback, piggyback!!

And once again, it's been over a month since I've last blogged. I hate how things manage to catch up with me and distract me along the way. So freakin annoying...

But I gotta admit, my life has been very much like a rollercoaster for this past long while, and it.s not that easy, trying to sort out things while keeping up with your hobbies and other things you are doing.

So, now to catch up on over a month's time.

It's been over a month since I've become a Deck Sister of Diamond. It's a lot of fun, welcoming the others in the Game Room, seeing my sisters around (though Heart is a brat like always..), Spade is kinda quiet like always, curled with a book, and Clover hasn't really been coming around much (maybe I should drop by her Restaraunt..?)

The rest of the Sanctuary is full of life as usual, more Newborns coming in, others applying, and the other dolls having fun together. The Amakura Dragon Festival went by as well. Not that I dropped by a lot in it....

But things are pretty much like normally.

At school though, now that's where the mine field starts.

I hate that even in my last year knowing all the people I know such a, a...moronic incident. There is no other word to describe it, other than it is a triangle of selfishness and lust between me, my former crush (and ex, well, if you wana be REALLY technical) and the girl who I've been very close with like a sister. It's stupid to go poking fingers, saying who did what wrong and all so I won't do that. All I can say is that this all better sort out because Friday, at our Ukrainian Christmas Malanka dance, it was just a nightmare.

No one understands me anymore. Heck, no one ever did. I feel like a little girl, walking up to a group of adults who are busy talking and laughing, then I pull on their sleeves and they say 'Not now dear, wait for us to finish'

That's about the worst feeling someone can have, especially when they're in the company of people who they considered their friends.

I'm not mad at anyone, but things are going for the worst. I can't stay with someone anymore without knowing that any second something could inturupt and everything flies off to the wind.

I'm tired. It just makes everything so pointless, all the effort to be happy goes to waste. Everything you try to build up, this sugary frosted world, comes crashing down on you. People are divided, and it just turns into a breathing nightmare. This is why most of last year I had so hated going to school, and at the beginning of this year when I was happy going to school, I had hoped that last year would never repeat itself.

And to be honest, it didn't, no - things just got a lot WORSE.

At least on here I can post and write what I really feel deep inside, and not worry that people will strangle me, call me a selfish bitch, or some other annoying revelation. Because if that's all they can come up with, then originality has just flown out the window in the world.

I need to find another way of distracting myself, and as soon as school finishes in June, after summer, when I might be able to still talk to the people I knew, it's better that starting in high school in September I forget about them, because memories of the past just linger and dig up old wounds I'd want to forget.

~M

PS: Sof, if you read this, either way, sooner or later, it doesn't matter, I just want to ask you - don't tell me you read this. Please just keep it to yourself, as well as any thoughts you have after reading this blog post.

Because I have to be fair and spill my own thoughts at least somewhere, and only you know about this blog, so at least I'm happy the whole grade won't see this.

White Iris

Day: September 14/10

Eating: layered waffer cake

Listening To: The Only Exception by Paramore

Mood: light, free, careless

This little blizzard inside of me is suddenly and surprisingly growing into a pleasant feeling. I never though something that began as something so depressing could turn into something so free, so pleasant. I've been in the midst of many fights lately, most among my friends or those people who aren't in my class but I still look over at, and I've been feeling isolated because of that. I mean my best friend is trying to keep a stalker jerk away from her while another friend of mine is hanging around that same stalker jerk. My crush hasn't been noticing me and rumours have slowly been drifting around about me again. But even amongst this seemingly lonely blizzard I'm feeling safe right now, safely guarded from everything and everyone.

I would give everything though, to see two people, two people I hold dear. One whom I have not yet met, but I feel his presence, that sweet smell that lingers lately, and a gentle breeze that passes by like a hushed voice; the one I am destined to meet. The other is one whom I should have forgotten, but hold dear within me. He is still by my side no matter how often I feel that he has left me, my first ever childish love, a memory that still lingers in my mind. It's these two that seperate my roads and make me wonder of how life will change. Yes there are others who I care about, like my close friend, my crush, and others, classmates of mine, but I can't help but feel ties to these two.

Ah, how twisted life is. But I've met so many wonderful people, especially the dolls, who help me see every day that even when I think that life has taken a turn for the worst, it's not fully dark until I give up on everything. I'm grateful to these people, even though I've said this thousands of times I still feel like I haven't said it enough.

It's one day though that I'll have the strength to stand on my own and let everything sink into me. But until that day comes I'll still rely on those people I know. Becoming a doll has showed me how life could be for me, and I met new people I wouldn't have met on the other side of this globe. My classmates, my friends, even my enemies - who, though I hate, still teach me things - ar blocks of my life. It's like they say, you can't rush to make a jigsaw puzzle until you have all the pieces. I won't rush with mine and take it a step at a time so everything could take it's turn.

'Life's not measured by the number of breaths you take,

but the number of moments that take your breath away'

~M

Staircase to Heaven

Day: September 9/10

Eating: cherry strudel

Listening To: Halo by Beyonce

Mood: broken down

Honestly I don't even know what to feel anymore. Don't get me wrong - I'm not going emo or anything but the faster my brain is rushing on things, like it is lately, the faster I run out of juice. Things so aren't going easy, that I know for sure. Grade 8 has proven to be a greater challenge than I had thought it was, and in a number of points I underestimated it.

I've managed to regain my confidence when I look at who are concidered the 'popular people' because right now, I don't feel that I'm, if that much worse, that different from them, particularly one girl who I always worry about and try comparing myself to (let's see how good you are at guessing this Sof ^^). But now I don't really think that way. I see myself as different from everyone, yes, but in some aspects uncomparable. So it hasn't been bothering me so strongly as before.

The greatest problem is however is the emotional rollercoaster that's been going on non-stop these past few days since I've come to school. Okay, seriously, can someone calm that guy down!? He's not acting normal I swear. If he puts another toe in the same direction he's been heading for the past while then I wish him luck surviving my anger, cause I'll tell him off for two years, and trust me, that's a lot of ranting!

On the bright side I'm feeling a little easier in regards to my feelings. Looks like my emotions for my crush have frozen down a little so I've maintained a basicly calm nature lately, which is good. The other guy....well I'm calm about him too. I don't wanna have any feelings for either of them stirring up before the next coming dance. That's when I normally become soft and nerve wrecked.

And now I'm off to have another cup of warm orange peacoy tea that will officially calm down my thoughts and hopefully tomorrow will follow in another one of the peaceful patterns I've been having lately. I'm not in the mood for much adventure lately, so let's hope it's avoided.

~M