Sakura Kiss

Day: January 16/11

Eating: nothing

Listening To: Mine, Yours by Luka Megurine (Vocaloid)

Mood: meh...piggyback, piggyback, piggyback!!

And once again, it's been over a month since I've last blogged. I hate how things manage to catch up with me and distract me along the way. So freakin annoying...

But I gotta admit, my life has been very much like a rollercoaster for this past long while, and it.s not that easy, trying to sort out things while keeping up with your hobbies and other things you are doing.

So, now to catch up on over a month's time.

It's been over a month since I've become a Deck Sister of Diamond. It's a lot of fun, welcoming the others in the Game Room, seeing my sisters around (though Heart is a brat like always..), Spade is kinda quiet like always, curled with a book, and Clover hasn't really been coming around much (maybe I should drop by her Restaraunt..?)

The rest of the Sanctuary is full of life as usual, more Newborns coming in, others applying, and the other dolls having fun together. The Amakura Dragon Festival went by as well. Not that I dropped by a lot in it....

But things are pretty much like normally.

At school though, now that's where the mine field starts.

I hate that even in my last year knowing all the people I know such a, a...moronic incident. There is no other word to describe it, other than it is a triangle of selfishness and lust between me, my former crush (and ex, well, if you wana be REALLY technical) and the girl who I've been very close with like a sister. It's stupid to go poking fingers, saying who did what wrong and all so I won't do that. All I can say is that this all better sort out because Friday, at our Ukrainian Christmas Malanka dance, it was just a nightmare.

No one understands me anymore. Heck, no one ever did. I feel like a little girl, walking up to a group of adults who are busy talking and laughing, then I pull on their sleeves and they say 'Not now dear, wait for us to finish'

That's about the worst feeling someone can have, especially when they're in the company of people who they considered their friends.

I'm not mad at anyone, but things are going for the worst. I can't stay with someone anymore without knowing that any second something could inturupt and everything flies off to the wind.

I'm tired. It just makes everything so pointless, all the effort to be happy goes to waste. Everything you try to build up, this sugary frosted world, comes crashing down on you. People are divided, and it just turns into a breathing nightmare. This is why most of last year I had so hated going to school, and at the beginning of this year when I was happy going to school, I had hoped that last year would never repeat itself.

And to be honest, it didn't, no - things just got a lot WORSE.

At least on here I can post and write what I really feel deep inside, and not worry that people will strangle me, call me a selfish bitch, or some other annoying revelation. Because if that's all they can come up with, then originality has just flown out the window in the world.

I need to find another way of distracting myself, and as soon as school finishes in June, after summer, when I might be able to still talk to the people I knew, it's better that starting in high school in September I forget about them, because memories of the past just linger and dig up old wounds I'd want to forget.

~M

PS: Sof, if you read this, either way, sooner or later, it doesn't matter, I just want to ask you - don't tell me you read this. Please just keep it to yourself, as well as any thoughts you have after reading this blog post.

Because I have to be fair and spill my own thoughts at least somewhere, and only you know about this blog, so at least I'm happy the whole grade won't see this.

Dissintigrated Angels

Day: September 7/10

Eating: sugar glazed puff pastries

Listening To: When I Look at You by Miley Cyrus

Mood: ......wth....?

Okay....so, like I promised, here's an update on my first day back at school. But to be honest, right now, I can't sort out my own feelings. If someone can unjamble my thoughts, kindly do so. I don't feel like myself right now, so therefore I won't be talking about my first day of school in the sense of who I have in my class and what class I'm in - my emotions are more important than that - what I feel, what I think.

Right now though I just wanna breathe it all out cause you know what, I think I've found the problem. Him, and...him.....the two 'him's are beginning to slowly rot my brain. Sof, if you're reading this don't try to understand, cause I don't know myself. It's just so messed.

I feel trapped right now, like someone capped a top over my life and I'm sliding around in a bottle. I got seperated from him as we're now in seperate classes, but just when I thought I'd stop liking anyone I looked at the other him. Why is it that my feelings are frozen one moment and melting the other? Why? Why is everything so wrong? I'm not supposed to like him. It's not love, it shouldn't be even like, but I still feel something for him. What is wrong with me...He's stuck in my mind now.

*slams head on the desk* Grr this ain't normal. I curse you both - you're the only two guys who have ever stolen my sanity and made me gasp for breath every single moment. Is this what living is like? I feel like a fallen angel around you two, so helpless yet hopeful. Nothing calms me down anymore but being around you both. Even through all those insults you might give me or cold jokes...why? I don't know what to do. I'm not meant to feel like this, to feel so attached. I've never felt human but this....

*sighs* Just let my brain take a rest, listen to some more music. Maybe that'll calm me down and I'll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully my sanity will return so I won't crumple in my own hands. Let the night breeze sweep the thoughts clean.

~M