Bright Eyes

Day: August 28/11

Eating: not hungry

Listening To: Mirrors by Natalia Kills

Mood: asdfghjkl ~

I can't believe I forgot about this place....sad, so very sad....

It's really been forever to be honest, and what's worse is that summer is coming to an end. Thursday I gotta go for half the day to school to pick up my schedule, get my locker and stuff like that. Being a freshman sounds terrifying, but my friends aren't giving up and are doing their very best. I however don't want to go. At all. At least I'll have Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday until school officially starts on Tuesday.

It's not that I don't want to study, I just don't wanna see everyone again. Most of the people going to my high school are people I don't talk to or I just don't miss or don't wanna talk to anymore. Cruel, I know. But that's how I feel. You can't exactly blame me cause to be honest I hang out with some of the biggest jerks ever.

Thinking back to grade 8 makes me feel weird. I can't believe I knew even half of those people because I hardly ever talked to them. I don't really miss anyone, although I know people miss me. Love how things work out eh? I lost a number of my friends, one due to a 'relationship' he wanted himself. I got sick and ended up missing my graduation trip and now the scars are still left on my body. Life is weird, how one moment everything goes well and then it just crashes down on you.

I regret nothing though. I don't regret not going on that trip, or that I lost my closest guy friend because he was such a jerk. No. None of that.

I fell in love. At least i think it's love...

Even though it's a guy who's living in another country and I've only talked to on MSN something about him makes me feel real, like I don't have to hide. I want to tell some of my friends on Thursday that I'm pulling out, that my heart is already taken even though I'm technically still single. We've already had a small misunderstanding and I hurt him but somehow he still holds on to me. He doesn't want to let me go. He is so sweet and always asking me how I'm doing, hardly ever talking about himself because he wants to know how I'm doing. It might be selfish or wrong but I'm scared sometimes, that what we have will be screwed up. I'm scared about the future, scared of being serious, but like some of my older friends say I'm still just a child, a babe, they even call me.

I want things to work out. Reading back on my previous posts makes me remember how things were, how much I was hurting and how I'd gone through all those ups and downs. It was hard to believe in anyone, and now I've learned to stand on my own. It's not a bad thing, this independence, but now, since I had met Nate, things have somehow changed. Maybe it's because I know that no matter where I go someone will always be thinking about me, even if he is out of my reach. I don't want to hurt him anymore, and I just hope that things will work out.

When school starts, everything will change. I'm not the same foolish girl that clung on to desperate dreams some half a year ago. I'm different. Whether in a good way or a bad way is for people who know me to decide. But now I need to hold on to the few remaining days of summer. Because tomorrow Nate comes back to L.A from N.Y and I'll be able to talk to him again. He always makes me feel better. But it makes me sad, wondering how long all of this will last.

~M

Cutsey Bunny: Nom-Nom

Day: April 11/11

Eating: drinking some Ginger Ale
Listening To: Paparazzi by Lady GaGa
Mood: fuzzy, but if you touch I just might bite your hand off

April...how fast time flies...Already only 2 and a half months of school left. Luckily my fellow doll friends are already on their summer holidays, on well deserved breaks. Wish I could say the same for myself...

School has been very draining, and too unpredictable for my taste.
my friends seem to dwindle around the idea that one of my fellow classmates has a crush on me, and even my Formspring page has showed a question that has been sent to me three times. Their little 'theory' has frankly been rather unrealistic and unsupported, as well as tiresome and getting to becoming annoying. He doesn't like me, wish we could all put a cross on that and more on. But no, they believe so much that he'll come around or even confess. My heads all spinning...

My ex has toned the following around down (yaay!) which has given me more room to breath, finally. My hobo friend is around me though and I have someone reliable to talk and spend time with. My other friends...some I'm still close to, others I'm drifting away from, one girl I'm talking to a lot more now than I used to.
School's annoying however, mainly the homework and classes. Our class is absolutely horrifying during Ukrainian and French (tehehe at the Ukrainian...) and some people just don't know when to stop (hint hint). Our teacher keeps kicking some people out and warning others but nothing seems to be working.

But summer's fast approaching, the weather is getting warmed, but birthday is also coming in just a little over a month, and then it's out *hopefully still not cancelled* Quebec trip and graduation. Time flies fast...

When you concentrate on some things you forget about the importance of others. People, things, places, thoughts, all are dug deep inside of you and sometimes no matter what you're not able to bring them back.
I wonder if I could set things right with a few people, how would things have turned out? If one person could see me in a different way, how would he see me? Am I a cuddly bunny to him that'll just nom his hand off if he pisses me off?

Photographic Memories

Day: December/10

Eating: nothing, and I'm not hungry

Listening To: Sanctuary by The Outsyder

Mood: hyperness FTW!!

I'm back in business peoples!! Yeah, I know, it's been forever, please don't kill me for not coming back to blog often, but, you get what you get when you go to school, and when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. And what a ride it's been, these past three or so months.

Holy, I can't even describe how things have changed, more for the better than for the worse.

I've finally gotten over one of the guys (not fully, but almost). That's a huge improvement, since I won't end up hurting myself in the end, or rather, him hurting me. And as Christmas and the last day of school before the holidays approaches I want to do something for the other guy, the guy I truly like. Just something special, to make him remember me, even if we don't see each other in high school.

There's really not that much more to say due to my hperness overload so I won't ring off your ears, just gonna go chillax a bit and gather up with ideas and thoughts. Oh, I've come up with a few improvements on my book and quite a number of things have happened to me over in the Sanctuary, but for my 'back in busness' post, this should be good enough, no overlading.

Looks like finally, just maybe, life will take a turn. And I hope it's gonna bring me more happiness than sorrow, and if I cry, they won't be saddness but relief. If all my memories could be caught in a jar right now it would be overflowing to the brim, with my memories, both of pain and laughter, of things I'd never want to let go of.

~M

Obscure Tears

Day: September 23/10

Eating: drinking a cup of tea

Listening To: Arabesque by Rurutia

Mood: drifting, half and half

Gosh I've been so out of blogging lately...=_=

Truth is I've been so caught up with things that I can't even spend a little time to focus on my blog that I've been so attached to. Heck it's the same thing with almost everything that I've cared about - it just feels like I've lost my touch.

School is going by well for the most part, though the pirannah has been acting up a little bit recently, thinking she's so cool and yelling a mocking 'Hi!' out from the school bus window. How I wish her tongue was twisted into knots so she'd leave me alone. How do you get it into people's brains - I. Don't. Want. To. Know. You. That's it. DIDDO. And even if you tell me you hate me too you still continue to whisper behind my back and pay so much attention to me. So I'm not gonna waste any more energy on her. If I have to I'll teach her a fir lesson and go straight up to my teacher but maybe I'll teach her in my own method.

Everything really feels the same and at moments a little obscure, at least for me. I wonder why I have been feeling so confused deep inside, why I can't decide between people, between what I want and what I don't, who I don't like and who I do.

I still wish sometimes that i could cry everything out, just everything that's been building up in me all these years. It's useless, walking around half dead like I've been for so long. I'm stuck between hapinness and sorrow, etween light and dark. What use is it to be a half when you're not complete, when you can't feel alive?

~M

Staircase to Heaven

Day: September 9/10

Eating: cherry strudel

Listening To: Halo by Beyonce

Mood: broken down

Honestly I don't even know what to feel anymore. Don't get me wrong - I'm not going emo or anything but the faster my brain is rushing on things, like it is lately, the faster I run out of juice. Things so aren't going easy, that I know for sure. Grade 8 has proven to be a greater challenge than I had thought it was, and in a number of points I underestimated it.

I've managed to regain my confidence when I look at who are concidered the 'popular people' because right now, I don't feel that I'm, if that much worse, that different from them, particularly one girl who I always worry about and try comparing myself to (let's see how good you are at guessing this Sof ^^). But now I don't really think that way. I see myself as different from everyone, yes, but in some aspects uncomparable. So it hasn't been bothering me so strongly as before.

The greatest problem is however is the emotional rollercoaster that's been going on non-stop these past few days since I've come to school. Okay, seriously, can someone calm that guy down!? He's not acting normal I swear. If he puts another toe in the same direction he's been heading for the past while then I wish him luck surviving my anger, cause I'll tell him off for two years, and trust me, that's a lot of ranting!

On the bright side I'm feeling a little easier in regards to my feelings. Looks like my emotions for my crush have frozen down a little so I've maintained a basicly calm nature lately, which is good. The other guy....well I'm calm about him too. I don't wanna have any feelings for either of them stirring up before the next coming dance. That's when I normally become soft and nerve wrecked.

And now I'm off to have another cup of warm orange peacoy tea that will officially calm down my thoughts and hopefully tomorrow will follow in another one of the peaceful patterns I've been having lately. I'm not in the mood for much adventure lately, so let's hope it's avoided.

~M

Dissintigrated Angels

Day: September 7/10

Eating: sugar glazed puff pastries

Listening To: When I Look at You by Miley Cyrus

Mood: ......wth....?

Okay....so, like I promised, here's an update on my first day back at school. But to be honest, right now, I can't sort out my own feelings. If someone can unjamble my thoughts, kindly do so. I don't feel like myself right now, so therefore I won't be talking about my first day of school in the sense of who I have in my class and what class I'm in - my emotions are more important than that - what I feel, what I think.

Right now though I just wanna breathe it all out cause you know what, I think I've found the problem. Him, and...him.....the two 'him's are beginning to slowly rot my brain. Sof, if you're reading this don't try to understand, cause I don't know myself. It's just so messed.

I feel trapped right now, like someone capped a top over my life and I'm sliding around in a bottle. I got seperated from him as we're now in seperate classes, but just when I thought I'd stop liking anyone I looked at the other him. Why is it that my feelings are frozen one moment and melting the other? Why? Why is everything so wrong? I'm not supposed to like him. It's not love, it shouldn't be even like, but I still feel something for him. What is wrong with me...He's stuck in my mind now.

*slams head on the desk* Grr this ain't normal. I curse you both - you're the only two guys who have ever stolen my sanity and made me gasp for breath every single moment. Is this what living is like? I feel like a fallen angel around you two, so helpless yet hopeful. Nothing calms me down anymore but being around you both. Even through all those insults you might give me or cold jokes...why? I don't know what to do. I'm not meant to feel like this, to feel so attached. I've never felt human but this....

*sighs* Just let my brain take a rest, listen to some more music. Maybe that'll calm me down and I'll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully my sanity will return so I won't crumple in my own hands. Let the night breeze sweep the thoughts clean.

~M

Waning Paradise

Day: September 3/10 Eating: milk chocolate waffers

Listening To: Hello Seattle by Owl City

Mood: refreshed, hopeful

I've been feeling refreshed from yesterday's facial I got at Yves Rocher. It's a good thing I went to talk to a professional cause all this acne was honestly getting out of hand and my pores were about as clogged as ever. Of course I'm not exactly the type of person to get a facial so I wasn't used to it but it was fun, I'm planning on going there every month or so, maybe a few weeks if my face gets too dirty.

Anyways, DS is closed again for monthly maintanance and this is my last weekend before school. Not exactly looking forward to seeing everyone again but I'm not dieing of horror either. It's just a...meh...neutral feeling I guess. It's gonna be boring most of the time anyways - at least I have some new books to kill some time with there. Plus class orientation is always such a pain since there's a whole number of people I don't wanna be in the same class with.

So this I guess means that starting from Tuesday I'll be going Semi Hiatus, to all the dolls out there. I'll be sure to get online as much as I can since I just can't seem to stay away from everyone, but my school work and application to high school will be taking more time away from me. And since my Doll Family is growing I'll be sure to spend more and more time talking to everyone. Twinnie hasn't been online so much though - I really miss her....

Then I guess I'll be going for now, but expect a post on Monday cause it'll be my final post of the summer and my official thoughts about my whole vacation. I always do it for the past two years - looking over what I've done over the summer, what I hope to do/feel at school, and since I'm graduating next year in June then what I want to do with everyone before I graduate (that includes punishing some naughty boys). But till then, I'm gonna go catch some of the last summer's rays.

~M