Bright Eyes

Day: August 28/11

Eating: not hungry

Listening To: Mirrors by Natalia Kills

Mood: asdfghjkl ~

I can't believe I forgot about this place....sad, so very sad....

It's really been forever to be honest, and what's worse is that summer is coming to an end. Thursday I gotta go for half the day to school to pick up my schedule, get my locker and stuff like that. Being a freshman sounds terrifying, but my friends aren't giving up and are doing their very best. I however don't want to go. At all. At least I'll have Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday until school officially starts on Tuesday.

It's not that I don't want to study, I just don't wanna see everyone again. Most of the people going to my high school are people I don't talk to or I just don't miss or don't wanna talk to anymore. Cruel, I know. But that's how I feel. You can't exactly blame me cause to be honest I hang out with some of the biggest jerks ever.

Thinking back to grade 8 makes me feel weird. I can't believe I knew even half of those people because I hardly ever talked to them. I don't really miss anyone, although I know people miss me. Love how things work out eh? I lost a number of my friends, one due to a 'relationship' he wanted himself. I got sick and ended up missing my graduation trip and now the scars are still left on my body. Life is weird, how one moment everything goes well and then it just crashes down on you.

I regret nothing though. I don't regret not going on that trip, or that I lost my closest guy friend because he was such a jerk. No. None of that.

I fell in love. At least i think it's love...

Even though it's a guy who's living in another country and I've only talked to on MSN something about him makes me feel real, like I don't have to hide. I want to tell some of my friends on Thursday that I'm pulling out, that my heart is already taken even though I'm technically still single. We've already had a small misunderstanding and I hurt him but somehow he still holds on to me. He doesn't want to let me go. He is so sweet and always asking me how I'm doing, hardly ever talking about himself because he wants to know how I'm doing. It might be selfish or wrong but I'm scared sometimes, that what we have will be screwed up. I'm scared about the future, scared of being serious, but like some of my older friends say I'm still just a child, a babe, they even call me.

I want things to work out. Reading back on my previous posts makes me remember how things were, how much I was hurting and how I'd gone through all those ups and downs. It was hard to believe in anyone, and now I've learned to stand on my own. It's not a bad thing, this independence, but now, since I had met Nate, things have somehow changed. Maybe it's because I know that no matter where I go someone will always be thinking about me, even if he is out of my reach. I don't want to hurt him anymore, and I just hope that things will work out.

When school starts, everything will change. I'm not the same foolish girl that clung on to desperate dreams some half a year ago. I'm different. Whether in a good way or a bad way is for people who know me to decide. But now I need to hold on to the few remaining days of summer. Because tomorrow Nate comes back to L.A from N.Y and I'll be able to talk to him again. He always makes me feel better. But it makes me sad, wondering how long all of this will last.

~M

Cutsey Bunny: Nom-Nom

Day: April 11/11

Eating: drinking some Ginger Ale
Listening To: Paparazzi by Lady GaGa
Mood: fuzzy, but if you touch I just might bite your hand off

April...how fast time flies...Already only 2 and a half months of school left. Luckily my fellow doll friends are already on their summer holidays, on well deserved breaks. Wish I could say the same for myself...

School has been very draining, and too unpredictable for my taste.
my friends seem to dwindle around the idea that one of my fellow classmates has a crush on me, and even my Formspring page has showed a question that has been sent to me three times. Their little 'theory' has frankly been rather unrealistic and unsupported, as well as tiresome and getting to becoming annoying. He doesn't like me, wish we could all put a cross on that and more on. But no, they believe so much that he'll come around or even confess. My heads all spinning...

My ex has toned the following around down (yaay!) which has given me more room to breath, finally. My hobo friend is around me though and I have someone reliable to talk and spend time with. My other friends...some I'm still close to, others I'm drifting away from, one girl I'm talking to a lot more now than I used to.
School's annoying however, mainly the homework and classes. Our class is absolutely horrifying during Ukrainian and French (tehehe at the Ukrainian...) and some people just don't know when to stop (hint hint). Our teacher keeps kicking some people out and warning others but nothing seems to be working.

But summer's fast approaching, the weather is getting warmed, but birthday is also coming in just a little over a month, and then it's out *hopefully still not cancelled* Quebec trip and graduation. Time flies fast...

When you concentrate on some things you forget about the importance of others. People, things, places, thoughts, all are dug deep inside of you and sometimes no matter what you're not able to bring them back.
I wonder if I could set things right with a few people, how would things have turned out? If one person could see me in a different way, how would he see me? Am I a cuddly bunny to him that'll just nom his hand off if he pisses me off?

Oceanlit Sonata

Day: February 28/11
Eating: nothing - not hungry
Listening To: Fu**ing Perfect by Pink
Mood: screw off all of you scared cowards, I'm just this awesome!

People people people...You just really just can't leave a girl alone now can you? Only my second day on Formspring and I already get a message that says 'Fix your zits'. Please be accurate. It's acne scars. You're killing the language here, at least be accurate with what you say. Geez. The world is suffering cause you can't properly express your thoughts. LMFAO.

Sorry for that really weird intro, but that's the way I felt like starting off. It sucks that people can't keep their opinions to themselves sometimes.
Anyways, on a better note, school is fine overall. People who dislike me keep their opinions to themselves. I'm not being crushed by people and their stupid little thoughts which really don't matter. Although on a little worse note, I'm slipping with homework. GOTTA CATCH UP! But I'm too lazy....Waah. I'm such a lazy ass lately, not even joking.

On another note, there's this one guy who keeps getting into a close friendship zone and things are getting pretty darn awkward. Today one of my friends pushed me and him together and he ended up hurting me badly with his jaw. Now a small part of my upper lip is swollen cause I cut myself with the braces from the impact. Talk about 'Ow moment'. I don't agree with my friends on the idea that he likes me and is planning to ask me out. It would just be pretty weird and that's really like the last thing I want.

It's already March tomorrow. Can't believe it. Feels like just yesterday was the first day of 2011 and now it's already March. It doesn't even feel like 2011, more like an extension of 2010. I kinda wish it was though, because 2010 was one amazing year that I can't complain about. Sure there were ups and downs but it was one interesting year. And I miss some of the moments, even if I can't get them back.

I don't really even know what to say. Gosh, before I felt like there was so much to say and now I'm struggling to think with ideas. There probably isn't anything else I can add. In brief though, a guy is trying to pick me up, I have friends I can rely on for the time, I'm starting to look at my little crush more as a friend than as a romantic kind of way, homework kills, bitches are still lurking, and life's beautiful. So if you like my zits or not I don't give two shits about that - they complete me, and I'm beautiful on the inside, at least I don't rot inside. Phew, this is just awesome to say. I feel so freakin energized that I probably won't be able to sleep now.

You mess with me, you go down. I don't joke. I might not be physically strong but watch it, that gives you no reasons to mess with meh. Capish? Capish.

And now I must go off and sleep, prepare for another long day.

~M

Sakura Kiss

Day: January 16/11

Eating: nothing

Listening To: Mine, Yours by Luka Megurine (Vocaloid)

Mood: meh...piggyback, piggyback, piggyback!!

And once again, it's been over a month since I've last blogged. I hate how things manage to catch up with me and distract me along the way. So freakin annoying...

But I gotta admit, my life has been very much like a rollercoaster for this past long while, and it.s not that easy, trying to sort out things while keeping up with your hobbies and other things you are doing.

So, now to catch up on over a month's time.

It's been over a month since I've become a Deck Sister of Diamond. It's a lot of fun, welcoming the others in the Game Room, seeing my sisters around (though Heart is a brat like always..), Spade is kinda quiet like always, curled with a book, and Clover hasn't really been coming around much (maybe I should drop by her Restaraunt..?)

The rest of the Sanctuary is full of life as usual, more Newborns coming in, others applying, and the other dolls having fun together. The Amakura Dragon Festival went by as well. Not that I dropped by a lot in it....

But things are pretty much like normally.

At school though, now that's where the mine field starts.

I hate that even in my last year knowing all the people I know such a, a...moronic incident. There is no other word to describe it, other than it is a triangle of selfishness and lust between me, my former crush (and ex, well, if you wana be REALLY technical) and the girl who I've been very close with like a sister. It's stupid to go poking fingers, saying who did what wrong and all so I won't do that. All I can say is that this all better sort out because Friday, at our Ukrainian Christmas Malanka dance, it was just a nightmare.

No one understands me anymore. Heck, no one ever did. I feel like a little girl, walking up to a group of adults who are busy talking and laughing, then I pull on their sleeves and they say 'Not now dear, wait for us to finish'

That's about the worst feeling someone can have, especially when they're in the company of people who they considered their friends.

I'm not mad at anyone, but things are going for the worst. I can't stay with someone anymore without knowing that any second something could inturupt and everything flies off to the wind.

I'm tired. It just makes everything so pointless, all the effort to be happy goes to waste. Everything you try to build up, this sugary frosted world, comes crashing down on you. People are divided, and it just turns into a breathing nightmare. This is why most of last year I had so hated going to school, and at the beginning of this year when I was happy going to school, I had hoped that last year would never repeat itself.

And to be honest, it didn't, no - things just got a lot WORSE.

At least on here I can post and write what I really feel deep inside, and not worry that people will strangle me, call me a selfish bitch, or some other annoying revelation. Because if that's all they can come up with, then originality has just flown out the window in the world.

I need to find another way of distracting myself, and as soon as school finishes in June, after summer, when I might be able to still talk to the people I knew, it's better that starting in high school in September I forget about them, because memories of the past just linger and dig up old wounds I'd want to forget.

~M

PS: Sof, if you read this, either way, sooner or later, it doesn't matter, I just want to ask you - don't tell me you read this. Please just keep it to yourself, as well as any thoughts you have after reading this blog post.

Because I have to be fair and spill my own thoughts at least somewhere, and only you know about this blog, so at least I'm happy the whole grade won't see this.