Bright Eyes

Day: August 28/11

Eating: not hungry

Listening To: Mirrors by Natalia Kills

Mood: asdfghjkl ~

I can't believe I forgot about this place....sad, so very sad....

It's really been forever to be honest, and what's worse is that summer is coming to an end. Thursday I gotta go for half the day to school to pick up my schedule, get my locker and stuff like that. Being a freshman sounds terrifying, but my friends aren't giving up and are doing their very best. I however don't want to go. At all. At least I'll have Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday until school officially starts on Tuesday.

It's not that I don't want to study, I just don't wanna see everyone again. Most of the people going to my high school are people I don't talk to or I just don't miss or don't wanna talk to anymore. Cruel, I know. But that's how I feel. You can't exactly blame me cause to be honest I hang out with some of the biggest jerks ever.

Thinking back to grade 8 makes me feel weird. I can't believe I knew even half of those people because I hardly ever talked to them. I don't really miss anyone, although I know people miss me. Love how things work out eh? I lost a number of my friends, one due to a 'relationship' he wanted himself. I got sick and ended up missing my graduation trip and now the scars are still left on my body. Life is weird, how one moment everything goes well and then it just crashes down on you.

I regret nothing though. I don't regret not going on that trip, or that I lost my closest guy friend because he was such a jerk. No. None of that.

I fell in love. At least i think it's love...

Even though it's a guy who's living in another country and I've only talked to on MSN something about him makes me feel real, like I don't have to hide. I want to tell some of my friends on Thursday that I'm pulling out, that my heart is already taken even though I'm technically still single. We've already had a small misunderstanding and I hurt him but somehow he still holds on to me. He doesn't want to let me go. He is so sweet and always asking me how I'm doing, hardly ever talking about himself because he wants to know how I'm doing. It might be selfish or wrong but I'm scared sometimes, that what we have will be screwed up. I'm scared about the future, scared of being serious, but like some of my older friends say I'm still just a child, a babe, they even call me.

I want things to work out. Reading back on my previous posts makes me remember how things were, how much I was hurting and how I'd gone through all those ups and downs. It was hard to believe in anyone, and now I've learned to stand on my own. It's not a bad thing, this independence, but now, since I had met Nate, things have somehow changed. Maybe it's because I know that no matter where I go someone will always be thinking about me, even if he is out of my reach. I don't want to hurt him anymore, and I just hope that things will work out.

When school starts, everything will change. I'm not the same foolish girl that clung on to desperate dreams some half a year ago. I'm different. Whether in a good way or a bad way is for people who know me to decide. But now I need to hold on to the few remaining days of summer. Because tomorrow Nate comes back to L.A from N.Y and I'll be able to talk to him again. He always makes me feel better. But it makes me sad, wondering how long all of this will last.

~M

Cutsey Bunny: Nom-Nom

Day: April 11/11

Eating: drinking some Ginger Ale
Listening To: Paparazzi by Lady GaGa
Mood: fuzzy, but if you touch I just might bite your hand off

April...how fast time flies...Already only 2 and a half months of school left. Luckily my fellow doll friends are already on their summer holidays, on well deserved breaks. Wish I could say the same for myself...

School has been very draining, and too unpredictable for my taste.
my friends seem to dwindle around the idea that one of my fellow classmates has a crush on me, and even my Formspring page has showed a question that has been sent to me three times. Their little 'theory' has frankly been rather unrealistic and unsupported, as well as tiresome and getting to becoming annoying. He doesn't like me, wish we could all put a cross on that and more on. But no, they believe so much that he'll come around or even confess. My heads all spinning...

My ex has toned the following around down (yaay!) which has given me more room to breath, finally. My hobo friend is around me though and I have someone reliable to talk and spend time with. My other friends...some I'm still close to, others I'm drifting away from, one girl I'm talking to a lot more now than I used to.
School's annoying however, mainly the homework and classes. Our class is absolutely horrifying during Ukrainian and French (tehehe at the Ukrainian...) and some people just don't know when to stop (hint hint). Our teacher keeps kicking some people out and warning others but nothing seems to be working.

But summer's fast approaching, the weather is getting warmed, but birthday is also coming in just a little over a month, and then it's out *hopefully still not cancelled* Quebec trip and graduation. Time flies fast...

When you concentrate on some things you forget about the importance of others. People, things, places, thoughts, all are dug deep inside of you and sometimes no matter what you're not able to bring them back.
I wonder if I could set things right with a few people, how would things have turned out? If one person could see me in a different way, how would he see me? Am I a cuddly bunny to him that'll just nom his hand off if he pisses me off?